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I will no longer be posting on www.crywithme.wordpress.com, but that doesnt mean you can’t indulge in my sophisticated humor anymore, it just means you have to do it somewhere else.  If you liked what you read…maybe you should head on over to www.researchbuff.com I hear that guy is awesome.

Not quite as funny, but who is?

 

Time to move…out

 

Time to move…out

Somedays hurt all day

Somedays hurt all day

 

That’s what you must be feeling right now.   How long has it been since we last talked?   Well I’ve been busy.  What about you?  The Internet works both ways you know? 

 

Im doing double duty these days…Supreme law clerk some days, and bottom bitch at the District Attorney’s office on others.  It’s a real title…thats what the other DA’s told me, the ones who were out behind the office smoking, and not letting me play tether-ball, and taking my lunch money.

Bottom Bitch they said…and next week they said I get promoted to BAHL Lickuh.  Im new so I still dont know what these acronyms mean, but it sounds pretty important.

 

Time to Relish my Awesomeness

 

Monday…first day of summer school.  Who was it that decided monday was the start of the week.  Monday sucks…cant life wait for Tuesday?  Does monday suck because of Monday, or does Monday suck because everyone wants to start work and school on Monday. 

 

School started tonight…State and Local Government and Arbitration.  Mind is kinda foggy this evening.  Got called on…survived. 

 

Time to pick up the pace

 

Wow…Its like we haven’t talked in weeks.  I miss our time together.  I want it to be like it was before finals.  I want you to laugh, I want to write.  Cant we just go back to a much simpler time?

Like when $20 was more than a full tank of gas, or when lead poisoning wasn’t something to be feared, but a right of passage.  When kids whacked it to Victoria’s Secret, and when celebrities made sex tapes that you just had to fantasize about because you were never going to see it.   

Why cant we just step back in time?  Huh?  Like when I was 30 lbs lighter and my clothes were still cool.  Oh I know it cant happen, mostly because they were never cool, but your missing the point.  I’m talking about feelings, and your laughing at my stone washed blue jeans with the button fly.  Stop it…cant you see my Hypercolor shirt is changing, because I’m sad…or because I sweat too much…anyway. 

We have a lot of catching up to do.  Things have changed. 

I’m no longer the fun loving rapscallion I once was.  I think we should use this week to get to know each other better.  A fresh start.  No lies…I’ll go first.  My name is Henry Cornelious Nectarbottom, and its a pleasure to write for you.

 

Time to Heal

 

PS Doesnt that feel good?

In honor of our impending trip to Georgia I thought I would cover some southern culture, and why their culture doesnt translate well to California.

 

Frog Gigging

People in the South like to eat frogs, but not at a snooty french restaurant…no.  Fresh is the only way to eat bullfrogs…apparently.  You get your “Gig” and your frog sack, and you wade around the swamp and spear as many frogs as you can.  This is all done at night of course, because the idea of that guy coming out of a swamp with a spear and a sack of frogs isnt quite creepy enough as is, but PRESTO if you add the cover of darkness why he’s down right spooky. 

Then you have to skin them, and judging by this picture there seems to be a special tool involved.

 In California, unlike Georgia this isnt exactly a condoned practice, and is in fact mentioned specifically.

 

CALIFORNIA CODES
FISH AND GAME CODE
SECTION 6880-6885

6883.  Any person may possess any number of live frogs to use in
frog-jumping contests, but if such a frog dies or is killed, it must
be destroyed
as soon as possible, and may not be eaten or otherwise
used for any purpose.

Figures right?  Well did you know that taking frogs by firearm is actually illegal?  I dont think they mean forcing frogs into cages by gunpoint, but thats kinda what I got from the statute.

6854.  It is unlawful to take frogs by the use of firearms of any
caliber or type

I was told once that the lawmower “took” my pet rabbit Jumpers to heaven.  Everything worked out just fine, until I thought it would be a good idea to give Jumpers a playmate in heaven.  I wasnt allowed near the lawnmower for years, and the neighbors never really looked at me the same.

 

Time to Move on

Smoking Car

Know that obnoxious car on the freeway…yeah that was me.  In most states people would appreciate it for entertainment value.

California…not so much.

Hopefully were looking at a blown valve cover gasket, instead of a blown head gasket.  Regardless Im entertaining the idea of buying a new car.

Just to give you an idea Im looking at buying a nobleman ranking next below a duke and above an earl or count.

Wait what?!? 

A Marquis

The Grandest of Marquis’s

Yeah it looks like an old lady car, but I promise you can fit a whole cheerleading squad in the trunk.  As long as they dont move much, but they shouldnt if you do it right. 

Thoughts?

Time to Study

Hangar 24’s Owner, Head of Operations, Future Legal Counsel, Lead Aviation Advertising Executive, and Head Sexy Detail Expert hit the lanes last saturday for some Hangar 24 VIP bowling fun.

It was a who’s, who of the Redlands California brewing scene.  We drank, we bowled, and we repeated.  Future Legal Counsel impressed the group with his unothodox bowling style while Lead Aviation Advertising Executive brought in the MILFS.  We were impressed.

Jesus…its finally all gone.  Hangar 24 can legally sell beer to the masses.  The soft opening I told you about the other day was postponed.  The ABC decided that the approval they gave earlier this week was in fact just a joke…Ha Ha.  Its nice to see the State Government has a sense of humor.

We appreciate it I guess?

Fired

My interest in Family Law has ended abruptly.  I am no longer a file clerk for that family law firm I worked for before.  I don’t think we ended our working relationship on good terms either.  “I thought” it would be funny to drop a hot load in the coffee pot after they asked me to brew a fresh pot.  “They thought” it was inappropriate to inform them of my prank after they finished all of the coffee. 

“We both thought” it was better if I didn’t come back the following week.

No Fear People…I still work at another law firm…a better law firm.  It pays more, and they have an in house masseuse.  His name is Carl and his office is next to the dumpster behind our office.  Im no stranger to the Tui Na but it is kinda strange that he wears snow boots and his pants around his ankles whenever he gives me a massage. 

I mean…doesn’t he realize it doesn’t snow in Rancho Cucamonga?

Silly Masseuse

Time to Relax

I added a new member to the Cry With Me family…a drawing tablet from Wacom.

 After countless hours admiring the female form across the Internet I thought “Hey!”

What happens when these women become moms…and those kids start admiring the female form.  What if you accidentally get a boner from a picture of your mom?  Does that make you incestuous?  Should you move to Tennessee?  Like most of you these questions would keep me up at night, so I thought what can I do to help?

 I now take time out of my week to search nude web pages and help cover up the whores of the Internet.  SFW

SFW

Now when this woman’s kids search the Internet looking for illicit photos they might stumble upon this picture and think…

“Wow, my mom’s a real business professional.  Those things the kids tell me at school are lies.  Why would my mom do porn for a living when she could manage an office and look snazzy in her slacks and tailored shirt?”

And to those kids I would be a hero, and the president would thank me, and the fighting would stop in the middle east, and Africans wouldn’t starve, but I’d be modest and say…It wasn’t all because of me.

Time to SAVE THE WORLD

P.S. This spell check tried to correct Wacom with Wac.  My spell check thinks I’m writing dialogue for the movie “You Got Served”, Wac isn’t a real word.  I think MTV has infiltrated my spell check.

UPDATE Turns out Wac is a real word, and the computer is still smarter than I am.

Wac

a member of the Women’s Army Corps, formerly an auxiliary of the U.S. Army